Hello Grade 234, It was fun writing haiku with you at China Camp. I worked on my notes a little more and composed these. See what you think.
1. Where boats once caught shrimp -- a swimmer with hand paddles slowly strokes outward
I tried to contrast the past of China Camp with what it is today. Think of the busy village with all the boats going out to lay nets. Now there are just a few fishermen and swimmers. Did you see them? One with a bright red cap the first afternoon, another one the next morning while you all were doing drawings at the shore. They had flipper-like things on their hands I had never seen before. I had to look them up to find out they are called "hand paddles."
Tip: you can use dashes (type “dash dash”) to make the reader take a pause between lines. This works well when you are starting a new subject inside the poem, or making any kind of jump from one thing to another in what you are trying to say.
2. Two fish in the net -- they escape their photo close-up leaving no image
I heard Mr Nathan caught some fish in the net, but I didn’t see them, and I hear no one got a picture of them...
3. Eating tangerines trying to write a good poem in the hot hot sun
I had help writing this one, I think. Remember eating tangerines? What do you think abut saying “hot hot” instead of just “hot?”
4. Dipping their bills down -- polite crows taking turns at the drinking fountain
Are crows polite? Not really. But they weren’t fighting either. I first wrote: “two black crows taking turns at/the drinking fountain” But we already know crows are black, so why write that? Other drafts: “thirsty crows taking turns at/the drinking fountain” “thirsty crows waiting to drink at/the drinking fountain”
Emphasizing “thirst” and “waiting” changes the poem.
5. They too enjoy it -- the cool breeze off the bay wafting dragonflies
Waft:
1. To cause to go gently and smoothly through the air or over water. 2. To convey or send floating through the air or over water. v.intr.
To float easily and gently, as on the air; drift:
Here it is the breeze that “wafts” the dragonflies.
6. The high fennel stalks dry and bend, like brooms to sweep the island offshore
I wanted to show how small the island is, but there was no room to put in “small.” But if it was a big island, do you think you could sweep it?
How could we write a poem about how small that island is?
7. You could walk around that island in ten seconds -- yet, island it is
In poems you can change the word order to emphasize your point. Instead of “yet it is an island” or “yet it really is an island,” endings which have too many syllables anyway, I did it this way.
8. Here is another attempt to capture its smallness: Island by the shore with room for one tree only-- above quiet waves
You can write about anything that seems interesting to you:
9. Muddy prints at dawn all over our ice-chest lids hungry raccoons
See you on the haiku page, Tom H
* Upcoming Haiku Contest from the Haiku Poets of Northern California(HPNC)! http://www.hpnc.org/
Here are the details:
HPNC Contest 201１ San Francisco International Competition Haiku, Senryu, Tanka and Rengay Sponsored by: Haiku Poets of Northern California Deadlines for Haiku, Senryu, and Tanka: In hand, October 31, 2011 Deadlines for Rengay: In hand, November 30, 2011 Details All entries must be original, unpublished, and not under consideration elsewhere. There is no limit to the number of submissions. A first prize of $100 will be awarded in each of the four categories. For the Haiku contests, second and third prizes of $50 and $25 will be awarded. Contest results will be announced at the first HPNC meeting in January and in the HPNC Newsletter. Winning poems will be published in the Spring/Summer issue of Mariposa, the membership journal of the HPNC. All rights revert to authors after the contest results are announced. This contest is open to all except the HPNC president and, for their respective categories, the contest coordinators and the judges (who will remain anonymous until after the competition, except rengay contest). Haiku, Senryu, and Tanka Submission Guidelines Type or print each entry on two 3 x 5 cards. In the upper left corner of each card identify its category as Haiku, Senryu, or Tanka. On the back of one card only, print your name, address, telephone number and e-mail address (optional). The entry fee is $1.00 per poem. Send haiku, senryu and tanka submissions, along with entry fee, to HPNC, c/o Carolyn Rohrig, 37966 Parkmont Dr., Fremont, CA 94536.
Now, here are last years winners:
HAIKU FIRST PLACE rhubarb leaves how they soften the pelting rain Michael McClintock HAIKU SECOND PLACE zen garden in the raked furrows pine needles gather Garry Gay
Our Haiku page
Letter from Tom H
Hello Grade 234,
It was fun writing haiku with you at China Camp. I worked on my notes a little more and composed these. See what you think.
1.
Where boats once caught shrimp --
a swimmer with hand paddles
slowly strokes outward
I tried to contrast the past of China Camp with what it is today. Think of the busy village with all the boats going out to lay nets. Now there are just a few fishermen and swimmers. Did you see them? One with a bright red cap the first afternoon, another one the next morning while you all were doing drawings at the shore. They had flipper-like things on their hands I had never seen before. I had to look them up to find out they are called "hand paddles."
Tip: you can use dashes (type “dash dash”) to make the reader take a pause between lines. This works well when you are starting a new subject inside the poem, or making any kind of jump from one thing to another in what you are trying to say.
2.
Two fish in the net --
they escape their photo close-up
leaving no image
I heard Mr Nathan caught some fish in the net, but I didn’t see them, and I hear no one got a picture of them...
3.
Eating tangerines
trying to write a good poem
in the hot hot sun
I had help writing this one, I think. Remember eating tangerines? What do you think abut saying “hot hot” instead of just “hot?”
4.
Dipping their bills down --
polite crows taking turns at
the drinking fountain
Are crows polite? Not really. But they weren’t fighting either.
I first wrote:
“two black crows taking turns at/the drinking fountain”
But we already know crows are black, so why write that?
Other drafts:
“thirsty crows taking turns at/the drinking fountain”
“thirsty crows waiting to drink at/the drinking fountain”
Emphasizing “thirst” and “waiting” changes the poem.
5.
They too enjoy it --
the cool breeze off the bay
wafting dragonflies
Waft:
2. To convey or send floating through the air or over water.
v.intr.
To float easily and gently, as on the air; drift:
Here it is the breeze that “wafts” the dragonflies.
6.
The high fennel stalks
dry and bend, like brooms to sweep
the island offshore
I wanted to show how small the island is, but there was no room to put in “small.” But if it was a big island, do you think you could sweep it?
How could we write a poem about how small that island is?
7.
You could walk around
that island in ten seconds --
yet, island it is
In poems you can change the word order to emphasize your point. Instead of “yet it is an island” or “yet it really is an island,” endings which have too many syllables anyway, I did it this way.
8. Here is another attempt to capture its smallness:
Island by the shore
with room for one tree only--
above quiet waves
You can write about anything that seems interesting to you:
9.
Muddy prints at dawn
all over our ice-chest lids
hungry raccoons
See you on the haiku page, Tom H
*
Upcoming Haiku Contest from the Haiku Poets of Northern California(HPNC)!
http://www.hpnc.org/
Here are the details:
HPNC Contest
201１ San Francisco International Competition Haiku, Senryu, Tanka
and Rengay
Sponsored by: Haiku Poets of Northern California
Deadlines for Haiku, Senryu, and Tanka: In hand, October 31, 2011
Deadlines for Rengay: In hand, November 30, 2011
Details
All entries must be original, unpublished, and not under consideration elsewhere. There is no limit to the number of submissions. A first prize of $100 will be awarded in each of the four categories. For the Haiku contests, second and third prizes of $50 and $25 will be awarded. Contest results will be announced at the first HPNC meeting in January and in the HPNC Newsletter. Winning poems will be published in the Spring/Summer issue of Mariposa, the membership journal of the HPNC. All rights revert to authors after the contest results are announced. This contest is open to all except the HPNC president and, for their respective categories, the contest coordinators and the judges (who will remain anonymous until after the competition, except rengay contest).
Haiku, Senryu, and Tanka Submission Guidelines
Type or print each entry on two 3 x 5 cards. In the upper left corner of each card identify its category as Haiku, Senryu, or Tanka. On the back of one card only, print your name, address, telephone number and e-mail address (optional). The entry fee is $1.00 per poem. Send haiku, senryu and tanka submissions, along with entry fee, to HPNC, c/o Carolyn Rohrig, 37966 Parkmont Dr., Fremont, CA 94536.
Now, here are last years winners:
HAIKU FIRST PLACE
rhubarb leaves
how they soften
the pelting rain
Michael McClintock
HAIKU SECOND PLACE
zen garden
in the raked furrows
pine needles gather
Garry Gay